TELL THE TRUTH and shame the devil. That’s what Mother always says. Let’s make Mom proud by telling the hard truth about pig farmers: they will meet their doom at 6 PM on Saturday. Tug of war versus apple farmers.

We laid out the reasons in last week’s Crop Alert: they have squishy muscles and dubious intellects. Still some are in denial even as the weekend approaches. So please be gentle when you are talking to a pigherd at the party — remember that his or her brain rolls around like a BB in a boxcar. (And can someone go check on the piggies Sunday morning? They’ll need tending.)

So, down to business: Tug of war at 6 o’clock. Before that, there will be music, food, and fun for all ages. Starts at noon, rain or shine. The party is free, while food and drink are sold separately. Logistical tidbits…

BRING YOUR OWN BEER (BYOB) — We will be serving fresh-pressed cider, but you can bring your own beverages. Please, no Coke Zero. That stuff is unholy.

BRING YOUR OWN FOOD (BYOF) — The Piggery will be serving their famous “brats” and potato salad. Pretty much a pork deal. After all, pig is their gig; but it’s not for everyone, so bring whatever you like. You can cook Not Dogs with Nayonnaise and Netchup on whole wheat Nuns for all we care. We’ll have several bonfires going. Mostly for looks but also for cooks. Picnics are encouraged; red gingham blankets are extra credit.

BRING YOUR OWN RAIN GEAR (BYORG) — Oh sure, we’ll share the one umbrella we have, but it could get crowded under there. This is your big chance to dress like a farmer, or at least like a farmer in a catalog. Could be a cool, wet day in the country. Grassroots started in the rain; Woodstock launched in the mud; Pigs-n-Apples might be a bit boggy, too. Don your mucks!

BRING YOUR OWN PUMPKIN TOOLS (BYOPT) — We are buying up all the kid-friendly carving kits in town. But if there is a huge turnout, and you don’t want to wait to start your masterpiece, bring your favorite implements.

BRING YOUR OWN APPLE PIE (BYOAP) — Pie contest! Submissions accepted 12-5, winners announced 5:30. Warning: we know the old trick about taking the sticker off a Wegman’s pie. We’ve tasted every store-bought pie in a 16-mile radius.

And now a little background on the Pig-Apple drama. Consider this recent exchange on Facebook…

The Piggery: “The pig is turning an apple — essentially garbage — into bacon! That’s magic.” – Jim Gaffigan

Indian Creek Farm: Never heard of no Jim McGaffigan. Sounds made up. Typical — you can shake a pig farmer’s hand but count your fingers when you’re done.

BLAMMO! Consider the fire stoked.

PIGS-N-APPLES 2012 should be livelier than a two-tailed puppy. Over 100 people have clicked “I’m Going” on the Facebook Event Page. Plus 43 “maybes” and 524 invited. Based on that data, our calculations predict there will be between 7 and 400 people, spread over 6 hours which means plenty of people-watching, fraternizing, and flirting — but not such a crowd that you can’t find a corner of the orchard for you and yours alone.

Either way, we’ll be here. We’ll try to make it fun for whoever shows up.

Hope to see you at The ‘Creek!